Listening To: Creed Higher
I don't even want to be awake right now. I feel like such a wate of space. Why do I have to feel like this again?? I feel like the useless piece of food that someone didn't want to eat because it looked funny. But hey, what can I say, I probably deserve it.
I'm just going to waste my life away fighting for a country that I don't even believe in. I'll probably be a victim of a misplaced bullet from one of my own men or something. It would serve me right.
John and my mom seem to have something special, that makes me happy in a way. I wish I had someone like my mom. She's the one reason I even stay alive right now, because she needs someone to look after and protect her. If she has someone else to do that, what am I here for?? So in a way, I'm kinda jealous. I don't even need to do what the other three at my house did last night. I know John would be good to her and protect her, i don't need to warn him or tell him I'd fuck him up if he ever did. I think it's kinda an unspoken fact.
My life seems to mean something to people who never can have a part of it. Sihn is like the father I never had, and Gage is the older brother I never got to look up to. My sister and I get along very well now, and my father hates me for going in the marines, because I broke the normal cycle of things. Well forgive me for wanting to actually be proud of something I do. Jesus, don't ever let charles be happy, that would be a totally fucked up thing now wouldn't it??
Maybe I'm just looking too far into it. It seems all my relationships get fucked up, or I get fucked over. And everything is always my fault too, that's the part that sucks. It's like everything I do, I can still put the final blame on myself. And it seems like the whole world ends up hating me for being the biggest asshole they know. Wow, I go from being perfect all the sudden to the biggest fucking prick on the face of the world. It's just not right in my eyes, but hey, I'm the one who fucks it up every time, so I guess I'd better just bite my lip and deal with it.
Does it really seem like I'm bitching, because I'm just releasing what I've been holding in forever . . .