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Listening To: Creed Higher
Mood: Reflective

I don't even want to be awake right now. I feel like such a wate of space. Why do I have to feel like this again?? I feel like the useless piece of food that someone didn't want to eat because it looked funny. But hey, what can I say, I probably deserve it.  
I'm just going to waste my life away fighting for a country that I don't even believe in. I'll probably be a victim of a misplaced bullet from one of my own men or something. It would serve me right.
John and my mom seem to have something special, that makes me happy in a way. I wish I had someone like my mom. She's the one reason I even stay alive right now, because she needs someone to look after and protect her. If she has someone else to do that, what am I here for?? So in a way, I'm kinda jealous. I don't even need to do what the other three at my house did last night. I know John would be good to her and protect her, i don't need to warn him or tell him I'd fuck him up if he ever did. I think it's kinda an unspoken fact.
My life seems to mean something to people who never can have a part of it. Sihn is like the father I never had, and Gage is the older brother I never got to look up to. My sister and I get along very well now, and my father hates me for going in the marines, because I broke the normal cycle of things. Well forgive me for wanting to actually be proud of something I do. Jesus, don't ever let charles be happy, that would be a totally fucked up thing now wouldn't it??
Maybe I'm just looking too far into it. It seems all my relationships get fucked up, or I get fucked over. And everything is always my fault too, that's the part that sucks. It's like everything I do, I can still put the final blame on myself. And it seems like the whole world ends up hating me for being the biggest asshole they know. Wow, I go from being perfect all the sudden to the biggest fucking prick on the face of the world. It's just not right in my eyes, but hey, I'm the one who fucks it up every time, so I guess I'd better just bite my lip and deal with it.
Does it really seem like I'm bitching, because I'm just releasing what I've been holding in forever . . .

Well that was a night I won't soon forget. Jesus Christ, too much alcahol can be a bitch. We had Bacardi Superior last night, a whole 2 liters of it. We were mixing with coke, which was a good mix, unless you have more alcahol than coke in the mix.
Needless to say, I was pretty fucked up trying to type while Kyle was puking his guts out and confessing his soul, gary was talking to Lindsay on the phone and couldn't make up his mind what to do and then there was Zach who was just stumbling around not having any clue what was going on. It was a good celebration party.
Tonight however, we are going to be tearing all the equipment down for the concert tomorrow night. Looking so forward to that, which reminds me, I need to call Sihn, so I'm gonna get going.

. . . life is getting even crazier, I'm officially into the marines now. It's really strange to think that I've made it this far. Never thought I'd see that day. John and my mom are really proud of my decision to do so, and that makes me feel really good. Unlike my dick of a father who will barely even talk to me because he hates what I've done with my life.
I got my MOS (job) locked on now, and my date for leaving. My job is Vehicular Mechanic, and my date is June 13'th, 2005. I'll be leaving for boot camp, or basic training, whichever you want to call it. I'm slowly getting in shape.
Anyways, looking forward to playing out in my first real concert on friday . . . and it's going to be a killer one. Yehaw!!
Sihn's going to change the way people look at his music, that much is for sure. I just hope I don't fuck everything up.
Ah, well I'ma get going. I miss talking to people. I want to hear from everyone on here. Jamie, Lillith, John, Kyle, Michelle, all of you guys.

times are crazy as usual, haven't had any motivation to do much lately. I guess from what I've heard though, I've kinda turned into a slut lately though, seeing as though I have like 12 girlfriends or something and all I'm trying to do is get laid from every angle or something like that. Hmm, me?? get laid?? yeah, like that's ever gonna happen, and even if I did manage to get a GF, she wouldn't stick around for long, it seems as though they never do.
But yeah, I'm doing fine, and have been well. If you count being tortured by the marines as well anyways. They are making me alot stronger though, and I'm loving the figure it's giving me. According to several people I look and act alot better now too. But who ever listens to people right?? I'll always be me, and I'll always stay that way. Not even the marines are going to change that.
In better news though, I have my tats now. I'm not even going to bother trying to explain what they look like, I'll have pics soon enough on here to explain them. Our first concert is coming up on the 16'th, next friday. Sihn bought me new pants and a belt for my birthday, they are kick ass and I really like them.
But yeah, my car is now completely dead, and it sucks. It needed to die though, or I was going to kill it myself. It was a POS beataround for awhile.
Saw Toni the other day in the house and they were all hanging out and all. It wasn't as awkward to talk to her as I thought it would be. Was definately interesting to see her all over JP though. Seems as though she seems to be happy with him and all though.
Oh well, whatever. Don't have a GF right now, and it's kinda good that way, gives me time to think and all. I dunno what to think about you right now Jamie, it's been so long since we talked. I don't have any clue what's going on in your life or whatever. I feel like an ass for not being online, just so busy with everything . . .
Much love to all and thanks for being patient with me, thanks for all the comments

. . . God I haven't done anything on here in forever. It's been like 2 fucking weeks or something like that. Ah yes, the normal drama I deal with on a daily basis is back to haunt me, I deal with it a little differently now though.
I'm proud that I'm actually trying to make something of myself though. Just don't know if dragging someone else through it is quite fair though. I dunno what to think when it comes to that stuff, cuz I'm not just thinking about me anymore. I'd have to put someone else through a shitload of drama.
Ugh, well anywho, I went to the caseyville fair tonight and spent some time with a couple of my friends. I actually had a good time too. It was fun. I lost my car when I left though, not a good thing when you don't know where the hell you are.
Well anywho it's like 1am, so I'ma head to bed now.